If you thought they were done with Big Ed and the gang, then you were happily mistaken.
The latest version of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days is the gift that keeps on giving, so of course, they had a third part of the Tell-All special. This time it was the couples tell more.
We found out some bits and pieces of things we didn't know before, but mostly, we got to laugh our asses off at this crew and got a few celebrity cameos too.
Here are the highlights!
According to the Law In David's Head, It's Illegal to Talk to Lana
So, can someone explain the Law According to David to me like I'm a Kindergartner? In short words, please?
None of this makes any sense. Bless David's wee, naive, old heart. He claims that the reason he and Lana cannot communicate outside of the website where she's barely available is that it's illegal.
Illegal where? Illegal For Whom? Illegal for What?
On this mysterious, magical website where he pre-orders potential mail-order brides, or what have you, everything is on the up and up.
Except for whatever it is that compels David to only speak to her via a select app or risk punishment from some authority figure that he most likely conjured up in his head.
Shine Bright Like ... Not a Diamond
David is a wealthy man who has thousands upon thousands of dollars to blow on multiple trips to Ukraine for decades, but he counts his pennies when he's purchasing engagement rings for his fiancees. Yes, plural.
David was engaged three or four times, twice to other Ukrainians. Nary one of David's brides-to-be got the real deal.
He claims Lana didn't know her ring size, and didn't want a real diamond, and didn't want the fuss. But is anyone believing that crock of bull?
Big Ed's Taunting Will Be David's Villain Origin Story
OK, fine. Does Big Ed suck? Oftentimes, yes.
But he's sitting at the Tell-All stroking his cute pooch like Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth and making David look and feel like the colossal fool that he is.
Are we not entertained?
Big Ed and Tom teaming up to grill David is comedic gold.
Dearest, Darcey ...
If you thought we would get some closure on that Tom letter, then you're right.
Tom yanked our chain claiming he couldn't find the letter, but instead, he refused to read it to the rest of the gang.
You know what, Tom? I respect that. He knew the other cast members were frothing at the mouth for all the scoop, and he declined to give in to them.
But in a moment directed at the camera and all the viewers, he read a sentimental and sweet letter describing a Darcey we have yet to see. Game recognizes game, Tom, you rascal.
So about that Tom spinoff...
Ash Owns Up to the Bullsh*t
At this rate, Ash and Avery are a snoozefest, so did we really need to relive the sexist moment from Hell when Ash profusely blinked and doubled down on some Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars poppycock during his paid speech? No.
Did those ladies ever get their money back? I would totally need a refund.
But kudos to Ash for acknowledging what we already knew: he bullshitted his way through the rest of that speech.
But he also used it to blame Avery again for not being the most supportive to him, and he's not making a case that he doesn't buy into half the stuff his spouting off.
But bless Erica for throwing him a lifeline. Did we mention that Erica is the best? She is.
Kick Rocks While Barefoot, Heather
NO ONE asked for Stephanie's obnoxious, drunk friend Heather to be a thing. Please, let her five minutes of fame be over.
She's not funny, entertaining, or fun to watch. She's a pain in the ass.
Shaun Robinson must agree. After cutting Erica off for the thousandth time, Shaun politely told her to shut the hell up.
We didn't need Heather hollering at the screen about Erica and Stephanie having different love languages. We have eyes, Heather. Now go step on a Lego barefoot. Toodles.
Ed Spilleth the Tea
Ed calls Rose out for lying about her sister. Rose is still denying that she knew her sister was hitting Ed up for some coins but is she lying? That's none of my business.
Ed also said Rose was lying about her lack of experience traveling outside of Manila.
Basically, Ed was on one and must've sensed that the others were in Rose's corner, either that or he wanted to double down on his new role as the villain, so he hit Rose up with those questions and facts.
"No Neck" Said F**k All Of Us
Did Ed just shame us for the abundance of names we call him? Yes, he did. It's still a mystery how he transitioned from bashing Rose to talking about cyberbullying and his childhood, but whatever.
It came out of nowhere, but whatever. The others didn't seem to be buying his sudden need for sympathy either based on their expressions ranging from suppressed laughter to disinterest, but Big Ed sees all of you calling him "No Neck," and he's both unbothered and not amused.
While I suddenly feel bad about that time I compared him to the Mucinex blob after he dared to talk about Rose's everything, it's good to hear him explain his medical condition to the masses.
He has Klippel-Feil syndrome (KFS), by the way. He briefly explained what it is, and totally didn't dissuade a soul from calling him "No Neck," because the internet is vicious.
Celeb Cameos? It's Official, This Show is the BEST
Yes, Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn popped on to ask a question, and Donnie Wahlberg and jenny McCarthy got to the bottom of Big Ed's mayonnaise hair care routine.
David's Friends Think He's an Idiot
David's friends have concerns about Lana, and they think David has been naive all of this time. Of course, one of his friends also happens to be married to a Ukrainian woman, so God only knows what's going on over there.
And that concludes the last segment of the Tell-All special. What did you guys think? Hit the comments below!
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